Step one: Love yourself.
Step two: Refer to step one.
I used to hate it when I heard people expound that old adage, You can’t love someone until you learn to love yourself. What exactly does that mean? How do you consciously love yourself? Sure, I can sit in front of the mirror and blow kisses. I can put my arms around myself and squeeze.
I’ve tried it. I don’t think it works.
So how about this little twist on that old adage? No one is going to love you more than you love yourself. I started thinking about the men I’ve dated; many of whom left much to be desired on the whole “love-giving” front. So maybe I do need figure out how to love myself more.
The research has begun. Here’s what I’ve come up with.
• Watch Your Thoughts Ever notice your crazy thoughts? Try keeping a list throughout the day of every negative thought you have about yourself. My list was a mile long when I started this daily exercise; including the idea African-American men only ever talk to me because of my bum. Actually, that one may be true. But really, monitor your thoughts. They run a direct line from your brain to behavior .
• Make a List Jot down the qualities you like about yourself each morning. Nothing is too tiny! Make note of your smile, your laugh, that voracious need you have to read my blog… Email this list each day to a friend and have him or her send your theirs.
• Make “Me” Time Treat yourself to at least one hour a day of pampering. I usually spend my hour blasting chick rock while journaling and practicing a little bedroom karaoke. Hey—no one said you can’t multi-pamper.
I’ll tell you something: These techniques are working. I’ve definitely noticed an increased ability on my part to attract some good-loving people into my life.
Ghandi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I say, “Give yourself the love you want to see.” You’ve got nothing to lose, except those annoying kissy faces in front of the mirror.
It’s Social Media Week in New York City, which means there are lots of events centered around Twitter and Facebook’s world takeover.
My Web-obsession began during college, when I searched restlessly on a ginormous PC for romance in the AOL Jewish single chat rooms. I was tired of the guys on campus. Some things never change.
I found my first job out of college by randomly Instant-Messaging a stranger at iVIllage and asking for an interview. What can I say? I had some online chutzpa.
These days I do my best to take control over my social Web addiction. Sometimes I find myself peeking over at my iPhone during yoga class. It’s not good. Checking my inbox can feel like a drug fix.
It’s tough to remember remember to turn off the digital noise; but it’s increasingly important in order to reconnect to our Selves and be still. Tim Ferris, author of The Four-Hour Work Week, only checks his email twice a day. He spends the rest of his time dancing the tango or surfing in Costa Rica. I like his style. For my part, I’ve begun walking away from the computer more during the day and actually connecting with friends in the flesh. It’s quite a concept; to pay attention to people, nature, art, and things that don’t have chips in them.
I guess that’s just what I’ll do at Social Media Week—but you’ll still be able to follow my Twitter updates from the events @ilanadonna and check blog updates at tk. Baby steps!
My second-grade teacher always called me “Smiley” because of my constant ear-to-ear grin. The irony is that throughout my life I’ve actually battled a nagging sense of unhappiness—though early on I’d mastered the art of my face never showing it.
Our happiness has to come from inside. No thing or person can make you feel good. I used to run around town thinking, If I take this class I’ll be more successful; or If I can hold on to this man then I’ll be happy; or If I sign up for this program my life will be more interesting.
Not so.
Our forefathers had it all wrong when they wrote, “Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” Pursuing happiness is like chasing the wind (or some unavailable guy). Not gonna happen. If you look for pleasure outside, that high lasts only a short time before you need to chase the next thing.
Here’s how your priorities should be reshuffled:
1. Get yourself happy.
2. Go out into your life and do what you need to do.
Of course, this is a whole lot easier to say than do. How can a person just “be happy”? Here are a few tricks that have helped me:
Get Still Get quiet and in touch with your true self through yoga and meditation. I know, I know; meditation is painful for most people. But after sitting in silence for at least 18 minutes a day, you’ll realize you’re happy for no reason at all. That’s when things come your way, you don’t have to chase opportunities, and you get clear on the right choices to make. It’s a magical therapy! Here are some of my favorite meditation classes in New York.
Lie to Yourself It’s proven that positive thoughts lead to positive results in your life. So fake it until you feel it. Recite thoughts every morning out loud (shower acoustics are the best), and eventually you will start believing them. It takes 21-30 days to create a new habit, so stick with your affirmations through the month. Louse Hay’s I Can Do It CD is a perfect way to begin.
Lose Control Stop trying to fight against everything in your path. If bad news comes your way, let it in without stressing it. New Age sages love to say “What we resists, persists.” Realize you can’t control most things in your life and that you have something to learn from everything coming your way. We learn most from the bad and uncomfortable things in life. So go with the flow of life—it’s a much better ride that way.
The Stowe ski area is home to Vermont’s highest mountain, Mount Mansfield. During a recent ski trip to a resort up there, I got to thinking about biggest mountains in my own life. From my gondola, I looked through the lens of my camera at Mansfield; thought about the things in life I want to surmount but feel I can’t; and considered the things I want but which seem out of reach.
You know like, calorie-free chocolate.
Truthfully, if we let ourselves imagine everything we want—no matter how big or small—we can reach our goals. But you first have to know what they are. I sometimes write them down and stick them in funny places, often to forget about them later on. I once found a sticky note stuck to my feminine products; but hey, no harm.
The saying goes, if you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you no where. So I ask you: What are your three biggest goals? Do you remind yourself of them each day? You don’t have to know how to make them happen—that, in many ways, takes care of itself.
My camera lens zoomed in on Mount Mansfield. I could see skiers and snowboarders flying down the mountain having a blast. My gondola ride only took me a short distance away. I never made it to the peak.
But at least I know what’s up there now.
My parents called me a worry wart when I was a kid. It might have had something to do with the fact they allowed me to watch the evening news with them. I was scared for my life! As I grew up, my fear expanded to include things like speaking up in class or making the wrong decisions about whether to hang at the Queens mall or the one on Long Island.
So it stands to reason that befriending the most badass girl in high school made me feel safer. She walked around in her little uniformed plaid skirt like she owned the place. The teachers seemed to almost believed it. This girl said and did whatever was on her mind. I loved hanging out with her and experiencing her fearless world.
Later in life, I learned that fear stands for False Evidence Appearing Real; or forgetting everything is all right. I repeat these little pneumonic devices to myself anytime I sense fear getting in the way of my goals.
Sometimes our fears are rooted so deep, we don’t even recognize them for what they are. We might be afraid of getting close to someone because we don’t want to lose our freedom. Or we might be afraid to get the perfect job, because we are scared we won’t succeed.
Either way, our fears don’t protect us. They hold us back. It’s good to remember that fears are just figments of our imagination; part of our mind’s constant chatter (kvetch, in my case). It’s important to let the fear in, but equally as important to recognize it for what it is, meditate on it, and then move forward anyway. Like the NIKE ad at the mall always said, JUST DO IT.
You’d think that with all the hooplah surrounding celebrities who study Jewish mysticism I might have an inkling of what it’s all about. I don’t. What’s more embarrassing is that I was raised Jewish—you’d think that might give me an edge on the topic. Yet I was totally in the dark.
By now you know I’m a girl who likes to meditate. And you know I get inspired by a Bhuddist belief or two. But I can’t believe there’s not something helpful (hopefully not attached to guilt) in Kabbalah the Rabbis never taught me.
I recently read The Jew in the Lotus, which was about Rabbis of eight different sects meeting the Dalai Lama to share notes on spiritual beliefs. It wasn’t surprising that the Rabbis practically begged the Buddhists to send the “Jew-bus” (Jews turned Bhuddists) back to the Jewish faith. On the flip side, the Bhuddists tried persuading the Rabbis to make spirituality more accessable (read: don’t only teach Kabbalah to 40-year-old-men.
My Orthodox rabbis did little to keep me enchanted with Judaism when I was young. Yeshiva was long, boring, and filled with meaningless prayers—not to mention terrible baked chicken and kuggle lunches.
But recently, I’m feeling more open and forgiving. Thank you, Deepak Chopra.
I signed up for a course at Kripalu recently with Rabbi Segal, a female Kabbalists. She’s my kind of woman: strong, smart and spiritual. Here’s my take on the experience, and an interview with above.
We live in the “Information Age”, which means I’m distracted half the time and not listening to you. (Sorry, Mom.)
Does anyone pay attention to the people he or she encounters daily? For the last six months I’ve tried—and my days haven’t been the same.
“What if every person you came in contact with today—coworkers, family members, neighbors, even the strangers you pass on the street—carried the possibility of a profound gift for you?” asks Thomas Moore, author of Soul Mates. “[What if] your job was to give each of them enough of your attention so you could receive it?”
Last week a man on the subway asked for directions. I answered him—then purposely remained open instead of burying my nose in my book again. Our conversation continued. He told me he works as a video journalist for the Travel Channel, and was only in town for a week. I told him I was considering re-entering the world of VJ’ing. We smiled. We exchanged numbers.
We went out for dinner the next night.
Following Moore’s tip has left me feeling everyone I meet in the city is a modern-day Yoda. “Star Wars in the Big City” sounds hokey, but certainly makes for more interesting days. Think about it: Every person you run into is there to lead you somewhere you need to go; even if it’s just to the nearest Starbucks.
If you’re like me, you need to live in a city with a pulse.
Unfortunately, that pulse too often comes at the cost of high blood
pressure. I’m sometimes overwhelmed by New York City’s seemingly
endless options of love, careers, and even Thai take out. Many of my
friends exist on a permanent adrenaline rush. They run around, make
connections, and check off to-do lists without any sense of
fulfillment. The harried “I’m on the go” look isn’t so cute, either.
We all want to be successful, but true success can’t happen without
inner peace and focus. Try out the following techniques to jump-start
some mental and emotional togetherness. If you master these
techniques, blissed-out energy flows are sure to reach you through
even through cemented sidewalks and stiletto heels.
1. Put You First
If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be an ounce of good to
anyone else. In the big picture, therefore, it’s not selfish to put
yourself first: It’s mandatory. Fill your cup so it can spill over by
incorporating an hour of “You Time” every day. It doesn’t matter if
you spend that hour reading, writing, people-watching out the window
of a café, or getting a manicure. And try putting your own well-being
before your boss, partner or family member. Remember: When you’re
happy, they will be happier.
2. Start Your Day with Stillness
Sit still for a 10- to 20-minute meditation every day before leaving
your home. It sounds tougher to schedule than it is! When the dust
settles in your head, everything you do will seem clearer and smart
decisions will come more easily. I get a natural high after 20 minutes
of meditation that beats any martini or tag sale. Stillness tunes you
into who you really are—not who you think you are. If you absolutely
can’t sit still, throw on a soothin meditation CD or join a class to
lead you to silent mental bliss.
3. Go Inward
You can find satisfaction in things, places or activities for all of
three minutes before you find yourself chasing the next thing for
another fix. I used to run around thinking if I focused on certain
hobbies or went to the right events, I would be happier. Find that
high or satisfaction with yourself first: It’s more lasting and
genuine. Doing yoga and mediation helps me with this daily.
4. Check Your Community
We all have friends, but some may cause more chaos than peace in your
already-busy days. Make a list of the people in your life and
determine who drains your good vibes, and who adds to your well-being.
The saying “You are the company you keep” is right on. Cool it with
your unsupportive friends and those erring toward the dramatic. You’ll
see a major shift toward peace in the city.
5. Do One Thing at a Time
This might be the toughest task to tackle. Each morning, I force
myself to make a list of my three biggest goals. I work on each
individually throughout the day. The key is to be conscious and focus
on each goal separately before checking it off your list and moving
on.
6. Let Go
Get the “shoulds” out of your vocabulary and accept and love where you
are in life now. Fretting over how much harder you should be working,
or how much more you should be going out, or how long you should have
already been married is unproductive and damaging. Pressure, worry and
negativity only keep you stuck. Be patient and accepting of where you
are in life—you’re there for a reason, if not a lesson.
7. Stop Complaining
Many city-goers are cynics who proudly complain about everything. It
may have been funny on Seinfeld, but it’s not so helpful in your life.
Whatever you pay attention to, grows. So if you’re bemoaning crowded
trains, a lack of dates, and an annoying boss, you’ll just get more
that in your life. Try putting together a “gratitude list” each
morning of 10 things you love about your life. E-mail it to friends,
or keep the list in a notebook. You’ll notice it grows quickly.
It’s not easy living in a city’s hussle-and-bustle; but don’t let that
dictate the world you live in. Relax and enjoy your time in the city.
It’s fast, fleeting, and worth every skip, hop and breathe.
While shopping for a new outfit the other day, I found myself sharing the intimacies of my personal life with a random young woman working at the store. She was helping me pick out an outfit and asked where I planned to wear it. Next thing I knew, we were knee-deep in the details of our dating lives.
Shop Girl was a cute, exotic-looking 20-something from the East Village who, like most women in New York City, told me she never meets good men. "There are no cool guys out there," she said. All her friends are in relationships, but for some reason she can’t meet anyone she likes.
When I dug a little deeper, she added that she finds all the guys who are interested her unattractive. As she told me this, Shop Girl made a stay away gesture with her hands.
I don’t profess to be an expert, nor do I so much as watch Oprah very often. But part of me wants to fix her attitude. So, I told Shop Girl the opposite is true: This city is filled with available, amazing men. Here’s how to find them.
Be Open
Say yes to every NICE guy who asks you out. I recently started going out with all the guys who never interested me a year ago. Last year, they were too short, too boring, and not for me. As soon as I started being open and dating the nice guy, two things happened. One, more men started asking me out; and two, I started noticing the traits I did like in these guys.
Change Your Story
What you see and think is what you get. Everything you tell yourself about your life and who you are is just a story. It’s not real, just your interpretation. The story can change as easily as changing the song on your iPod. Write a new story every day about how men you actually like are flocking to you. E-mail your new story to yourself or a friend every day. Try this for a month and see how life changes for you.
I didn’t walk out of the shop with a new outfit. Turns out, I didn’t need one. I had a closet full of options. Shop Girl had many dating options of her own, too—she just didn’t know it yet.
Happy New Year everyone! I’m not announcing any big resolutions, because I bet I’ll break them. This year, my main goal is to simply enjoy life and be happy every day. Join me here at Downtown Dharma, a new blog about finding balance and meaning in a city—even in heels. This site was started as a way for me to share my comical, true stories of finding peace on a daily basis without alcohol, caffeine, or anti-depressants.
The truth is, we all feel lost at times. This can be especially true in an urban environment filled with millions of options that sometimes feel like none at all. I found in the last year a few modern-day gurus to guide me on everything from relationships to career choices and helped me find answers within myself; no flights to India or pricey new-age healers necessary. Those people and stories—all documented here at Downtown Dharma—will help you find inspiration to live your own, best life under big lights and tall buildings.
Ready to take the plunge? Introduce yourself and join me!
